


I Wonder

by Kylo Hux (Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson)



Series: You Touched Me, and Suddenly, I was a Lilac Sky [28]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Earth, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Monologue, Texting, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 17:06:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6087694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson/pseuds/Kylo%20Hux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>I just lay here thinking about you every night after we get off the phone. Thinking that we shouldn’t have hung up. I just crave you in general.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wonder

I just lay here thinking about you every night after we get off the phone. Thinking that we shouldn’t have hung up. I could talk all day with you. We wouldn’t even have to say anything to each other, really. I crave your touch to the point where my whole body tenses up for a few seconds. I crave you in general. Everything you do is so unflawed to me – no, no, I’m not brainwashed, please don’t get it twisted. I don’t know what I would be like without you, of where I would be. During 99% of my daily decisions, I always think how my life would be different without you.  
  
Every morning, I wonder how different my life would be if I woke up with you by my side, if I got out the bathroom to see you smiling up at me all sleepy, rubbing at your eyes. I wonder how it would be to walk into the kitchen and find you making coffee and/or pancakes. I wonder what it would feel like to wrap my arms around you as you cook, and nuzzle your neck as you complain about being busy, but you lean back into my arms and laugh a little as I start leaving kisses all over your skin.  
  
Every afternoon, I wonder what it would be like to come home and find you there, curled up on the sofa, reading. I wonder what it would be like to come home and find you asleep on the couch, cuddling a pillow to make the loneliness without me there to hold you whilst you sleep. I wonder what it would be like to come home and just slip onto the couch with you, holding you tightly to my chest as we settle down to watch television and order take out.  
  
Every evening, I wonder what it would be like to cook with you, to laugh as we fling a wok or frying pan around, and end up with half our vegetables on the floor which Millicent will ever so delicately eat up. I wonder what it would be like to cuddle you close and nuzzle through your hair as we make stir fry, giggling away as we streak teriyaki sauce across each other’s face. I wonder what it would be like to cuddle close on our apartment building roof, staring at the stars as we eat ice cream and wrap thick blankets around ourselves.  
  
Everyday, I wonder what it would be like to look up from my work to watch you play with Millicent, cooing at her as you brush her fur. I wonder what it would be like to go to the animal shelter where you volunteer, and let you talk me into adopting an old cat to keep young Millicent company. I wonder what it would be like to take you out to the cinema, and to dinner, and watch you bashfully smile as you try not to say ‘I don’t deserve this, Hux’ to which I’d reply ‘Hush, you know you do, let me spoil you’.  
  
But... I’m always going to be wondering, I’m always going to dream about you, I’m always going to be laying here, staring at my dark ceiling, wishing that you were beside me, snoring softly.  
  
I’m always going to be wondering.  
  
And I wonder... do you miss me, like I miss you?

 _-_  
  
_Kylo finished reading the text, tears welling in his eyes. He had to take a breath, he had to take a moment to let his heart break, to think of every possible thing he and Hux could have had._  
  
_“Ben?”_  
  
_Kylo glanced over his shoulder at Poe, smiling weakly._  
  
_“I’m fine.”_  
  
_Glancing back at his phone, Kylo tapped out two letters and hit send, before he rolled over, wrapping his arm around Poe’s chest, letting the older man lull him back to sleep._

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> -
> 
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